Another milestone… another wave of grief that comes crashing down.

It’s wild how I can be fine for so long, moving through life, doing the everyday things… and then suddenly – BANG. I’m swept up in the current again, tossed around by emotions that feel bigger than my body.

Michael, our oldest, is turning 16 on Tuesday. We celebrated last night – low key, just like he wanted. He has his driving test scheduled for Tuesday. It’s such an exciting time for him.

And while I am excited, I can also admit that this milestone has hit me hard.

Because one of the people I would give anything to have beside me for moments like this isn’t here. My mom.

I never knew you could feel so many intense emotions at once until I started actually naming my grief. I’m overflowing with happiness and joy for Michael – for who he is, for who he’s becoming. He is one great kid, and I am so blessed to be his mom. He’s brought so much joy into our lives. He’s just like his dad – his humor, his wit, the way he thinks. And if I’m being honest… he’s way smarter than I am.

But woven into all that joy is the ache that she isn’t here to see any of it.

And with the sadness comes anger.

Anger that she’s gone because of the selfishness of someone who was supposed to love his family. Someone who chose himself instead.

And if I’m honest… there’s anger toward her too.

She should have left him long before that day.

Maybe she would still be here.

Maybe things would be different.

I think she got caught in what so many women get caught in – staying “for the kids,” even when leaving might have saved her.

Grief is complicated. It doesn’t move in straight lines. It doesn’t wait for convenient moments. It shows up in the middle of birthdays and celebrations and ordinary days, reminding me of what was lost and what still remains.

Today, I’m letting all of it be here – the joy, the sadness, the anger, the love.

Because they all tell the truth about how deeply I loved her… and how deeply I love my son.

Maybe that’s what grief really is: love that keeps finding its way to the surface.